January 23, 2012

Why I'm Still Not Asleep

Sometimes it hurts to be awake.  To use my brain.  To feel.  I used to sleep it off.  I used to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.  And sleep.  Now I just stay awake.  Even though I’m tired.  No, I’m not tired.  That’s not quite it.  I’m… tired of hurting.  But I just prolong it by staying up another hour.  This can’t be healthy.  Is it worse than cutting myself?  Not worse.  Is it any better?  Probably not.  Am I going to bed now?  We’ll see.

January 9, 2012

A Different Resolution

                In years past, I have resolved to do the impossible.  I have resolved to lose x amount of pounds.  I have resolved not to deliberately cut myself all year.  I have resolved to read my scriptures every day.  I have resolved to…  Frankly I can’t remember my past resolutions.  They weren’t important.  They weren’t achievable.  They didn’t attack the underlying problems.  They were surface bandages that couldn’t succeed.  This year, I have made only two resolutions. 
1)  I resolve to follow my dreams. 
2)  I resolve to do what it takes to smile more. 
Perhaps I’ll be able to look back at the end of the year and say, “Holy crap, I actually achieved my resolutions this year!”  At the least I should be able to remember what they were.  And every time I come across an unexpected smile, I can smile bigger in the realization that I’m working towards having a better life.
Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.