tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52450123842721484132024-03-18T20:44:29.901-06:00Just A Girl ~ a journey through mental illnessAs someone who has lived more than half my life with depression, I like to try to share my experiences in order to end the stigma of mental illness and help others to know they're not alone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-5868846542724529352019-08-14T18:25:00.003-06:002019-08-14T18:25:48.725-06:00What is a friend?Today I've been thinking about friendship. I've been thinking about close friends and good friends and distant friends and best friends. And I'm so grateful for all of mine.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
When I was in high school, all of my middle school friends drifted away. For one, I was the daughter of a prosecutor, so when they started drinking and partying, I was a bit too much of a square (and a risk) to have along. For another, well... I don't honestly know. I really don't know what happened (though I know my blossoming mental illness played a part), all I know is that I was mostly alone in high school. In the early days of the internet, I made online friends, and I had people to sit with at lunch, but other than rehearsals and acting classes, I was alone most of the time. As hard as it was, I don't fault my friends or wish things had been different. It was rough, but I'm more than ok now.<br />
<br />
A couple of years after high school, I met my first best friend. When I walked into our dorm room for the first time, with my dad and grandpa who were in head-to-toe camo, she was worried I'd be a hick from the sticks and we wouldn't have anything in common. And frankly, she was kind of right. But somehow we just meshed, and we had a lot of other good friends on our floor, too. She knew about my self-injury, and she loved me anyways. She never made me feel like a freak. And we danced around in our underwear to Mika and Pop! and laughed and cried and played together. I'm so grateful for her. She taught me what friendship was and how to have friends. We live hundreds of miles apart now, and we both have very different lives, but I'll always love her.<br />
<br />
My next really close friend started off as my rival. Almost an enemy. We were assigned to work (and study and eat and breathe and live) together when we were missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. When we first met, it was distrust at first sight. We weren't sure we'd make it through the six-week assigned time together without one of us being sent home in a body bag. But when we made it and were assigned to stay together for six more weeks, we decided it'd be fine. Ish. After that second six weeks, we decided six more together might be ok. And at the end of week 18, we were crushed to be separated. She's someone I can share my hopes and fears and dreams and frustrations and disappointments with. She knows every detail of my life, and I know most of the details of hers. I don't know what I'd do without her. It's incredible to be understood and supported, even when things are crumbling and incomprehensible.<br />
<br />
My husband is also a pretty good friend. Six months after we got married, I broke and descended lower than I ever have before. I ended up in the hospital undergoing Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), and he rode the train up to visit me all the time. And he called me and wrote me letters. And he ran things at home while finishing his bachelor's degree and getting into medical school. He is my rock. He is my support. He is there for me no matter what happens. I know he loves me, even though he knows all of the dark, scary things about me. I love that. Now that he is in medical school and I am healthier, things have changed. They are not at all a <i>bad</i> different, it's just a new chapter and a new dynamic. And so I'm learning how to help take care of him instead of being taken care of. It's something I always planned to do, it's just that my life almost never goes according to plan, so I'm starting the learning a lot later than I expected. I'm so grateful that he loves me the way I am, and I'm equally grateful that he makes me want to change for the better.<br />
<br />
Over the years, I've had many friends that have come and gone, some of them painfully. But I am so grateful for the months of friendship we shared, and I understand that sometimes things end and change. And I know that every connection shapes who I am today.<br />
<br />
I have many other friends now, too. I have friends who reach out when they see me sinking. I have friends I can share my obscure geeky interests with. I have friends who I stalk on Facebook and never interact with but whose triumphs I celebrate and whose sorrows I lament. I have friends from all over (especially from my mission) who feel like family. I have friends who are so incredibly kind and giving that I feel like I could never deserve them, including one who flew me out to Disneyland when she saw Galaxy's Edge, the Star Wars land, because she wanted to see my face when I saw it. And I was like a little kid. I soaked in every moment of it. And I was so humbled and in awe of her kindness, that it has taken me days to even start to put into words how grateful I am. <br />
<br />
I want to tell 15-year-old me that it's going to be ok. I want to tell her that the right people will come into her life at the right time. I want her to know that God is looking out for her, and His plans are way harder than anything she thinks she could ever handle, but they are <i>WAY</i> better, too. And I want to tell all of you who are reading this how grateful I am that you are in my life, no matter what type of connection we have. Social media lurkers, friends I haven't seen or talked to in decades, friends I see all the time, new friends, old friends, everyone. I am so grateful to finally have you all.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRjI6qlSXSu5cbbtypB-cm1LXCquvU4abB-HrmAgfXHcQKAzOw5FxcaEOlZ8MW99tHrJCXdPuvQ6y9Eae90LU1hDeUprlbZOOPhN6TbaxGMcU_i_bgzOwwZwf2f6-JEHGuCgAg-od26vs/s1600/Friendship+pic+for+blog.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1537" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRjI6qlSXSu5cbbtypB-cm1LXCquvU4abB-HrmAgfXHcQKAzOw5FxcaEOlZ8MW99tHrJCXdPuvQ6y9Eae90LU1hDeUprlbZOOPhN6TbaxGMcU_i_bgzOwwZwf2f6-JEHGuCgAg-od26vs/s320/Friendship+pic+for+blog.JPG" width="307" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-82643829305594227202019-06-17T18:27:00.003-06:002019-06-17T18:27:32.684-06:00On BoredomOn Saturday, I had yet another ECT treatment. This isn't something I love, but it's something I'm finding necessary for my mental health. I don't mind the going to sleep part, but the waking up groggy for hours with a dry mouth part is much less pleasant. Usually, when I wake up, I get wheeled out to the car, sleep all the way home, and then sleep for five to seven more hours there. This week was different.<br />
<br />
This week, I slept home, but once I got there, I couldn't fall back asleep. I tried all my usual standbys, but I couldn't get to sleep, and I was BORED. It was driving me crazy! Social media didn't help, reading didn't help, podcasts and audiobooks didn't help, I was incurably bored. Finally, I tried socializing with other people, which is <i>not</i> one of my go-to boredom relievers, but it worked! And I realized that it was working because I was feeling a way I hadn't felt in years: normal. <br />
<br />
So instead of wanting to waste all my time keeping my brain distracted from reality, what I wanted was to engage in life at a level I hadn't done in months, maybe even years. So since then, I've talked to people and exercised and done all sorts of things. I'm hoping it lasts!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-70369303766387900042019-03-03T02:19:00.000-07:002019-03-03T02:19:22.494-07:00A Perfect Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimdWZs0nNEqt52rcVFMKkxFia_nub92FxkgonPCbaoTme9DLiyN152LjNoHG4iUwl0AqUPDyKK_SrLBkW743tVc7CvqdPHC3kTUUZK1CKqMLMUCZuUkyWN6ppfTiDX7mO8lBRD0CX_20w/s1600/Dandelions+and+sunshine.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimdWZs0nNEqt52rcVFMKkxFia_nub92FxkgonPCbaoTme9DLiyN152LjNoHG4iUwl0AqUPDyKK_SrLBkW743tVc7CvqdPHC3kTUUZK1CKqMLMUCZuUkyWN6ppfTiDX7mO8lBRD0CX_20w/s320/Dandelions+and+sunshine.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
There was a day some years ago when everything felt perfect. The perfect blue sky was a friendly, perfect dome over a beautiful, perfect hilltop. There were thousands of perfectly puffed white dandelion-heads, just begging to be perfectly picked, the seeds longing to blow in the perfect, northeasterly breeze and fly up to join the perfect, gentle, fluffy clouds that blew lazily and perfectly across the land. And my tiny, precious, <i>beyond perfect</i> niece held my imperfect, scarred hand as we walked across that perfect world. And the perfect dandelion puffs were the perfect height for her pudgy, perfect fists to grab, so we walked perfectly along, making perfect, fanciful wishes as we blew through the field.<br />
<br />
And I know. I <i>know</i> it wasn't actually <i>perfect</i>, but it was pretty damn close. And tonight, I find myself longing for that perfect, simple day.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbJk5HqTPHTF2WBBXn6Hi-cacuDi8qujAw4n7HthUeWCLoDt_n4OaNgM_c5HLlDqgJaBz6tUAjFDjol_Byq9uITgbX4_4bSn5U0wIjoSIndlmHa2hYkNA1LIH9A9UggWJJG32tbnSjE0U/s1600/Blowing+Dandelions.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbJk5HqTPHTF2WBBXn6Hi-cacuDi8qujAw4n7HthUeWCLoDt_n4OaNgM_c5HLlDqgJaBz6tUAjFDjol_Byq9uITgbX4_4bSn5U0wIjoSIndlmHa2hYkNA1LIH9A9UggWJJG32tbnSjE0U/s320/Blowing+Dandelions.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-83470906717267660312019-01-29T17:13:00.001-07:002019-01-29T17:13:58.756-07:00I was dying.At the beginning of last September, I almost died. I'm not being dramatic; I almost lost my life. My mental health had been in a decline for almost two years, and I think my brain and body just gave up. For reasons I'll explain a little later, I don't remember a lot of the details of what happened, but between my memories and what my husband has told me, I do know a few key things, and I want you to know them, too, so you can better understand psychiatric hospitalization.<br />
<br />
For one, I decided it was no longer safe to have my guns in our apartment. That has <i>never</i> happened to me before. I grew up with guns; they've always been a part of my life. They've always been in my house. I used to keep my home-defense shotgun hidden behind my old prom dresses. But for the first time, I was afraid of what might happen if I let the guns stick around. I called my grandpa, who lives a couple of towns over, and I asked if my husband and I could stop by. When we got there, I wish I could remember better what happened. I'd imagine he was pretty alarmed. He has already lost one grandchild to suicide. I remember him locking the guns in one of his gun safes, I remember we didn't talk much, and then I know we left.<br />
<br />
It's important to note that I didn't have a suicide plan. I didn't have a specific reason to get rid of the guns; I just felt like it was a bad idea to keep them around.<br />
<br />
A few days later, things were even worse. Every hour dragged on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I remember feeling like every hour felt like an entire day. I knew I didn't <i>really</i> want to die, but all I could think, over and over, was, "I can't live like this any more." My mental pain was seeping out my pores. My will to live was growing dimmer and dimmer, like a firefly glowing its last as the winter frost sets in. Nothing could distract me from the pain and exhaustion of just existing - not Netflix, not knitting, nothing. I used every tool I had the energy to try, but nothing alleviated my suffering. And I couldn't accomplish anything - not even brushing my hair. <br />
<br />
I had my husband come with me to therapy that evening. We were only there for a few minutes before my therapist told us that if ever there was a time for hospitalization, this was it. I thought he meant at the end of the session, but he didn't. He meant <i>now</i>. And he told us which area hospital was the best. Since it was an hour away, we headed home to pack a bag for me before driving up there. We didn't know how long it would be before my husband would be able to visit and bring the things I would need. Clothes, books, a hairbrush, and the lightsaber travel toothbrush he got me on our honeymoon. And with that, we were off to the ER.<br />
<br />
This post is long enough as it is, and I don't have the energy at the moment to write the rest of the story. But I will. Soon.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-43269841467676567012019-01-25T04:39:00.004-07:002019-01-25T04:40:26.203-07:00The Loonies in the BinUsually when I write, the idea gestates for a while until it feels like it is fully formed. Only then do I get out my laptop and push the thing out. It's not something I can control; the ideas won't come from my fingertips until they're fully formed. Well, I've been promising posts on my hospitalization and ECT experience for <i>months</i>, but they just won't come. They don't feel ready. I've tried to force them, and the snippets I've written were laughable. So I'm going to try a different tack today. I'm going to try to write around the topic. Maybe if I can get out some of the less important details, the water will break and the real posts can be born. Please bear with me; this is not my best writing. It can't even really be called <i>good</i> writing, but I have to get it out.<br />
<br />
One thing that kind of surprised me about my hospitalizations is how normal all of my fellow inmates were. Every single person in Four North, the ward I spent most of my time in, was someone you would meet on the street and never suspect. You'd never know we were all nuts.<br />
<br />
Rebecca (Don't worry, I'm changing everyone's name. The only loony you need to be able to identify by name is me.) was a mom right around my age who had the most adorable little black baby with curly blond hair. She never ate lunch with the rest of us because her family always came to eat with her. It was fun to see the baby every day.<br />
<br />
Annie was also doing ECT. She seemed like a slightly more jaded, grown-up version of me. She had awesome hair (how? I have no idea- it's not like they let us have curling irons) and a snarky sense of humor.<br />
<br />
Adam had driven in from out of state to stay there with us. He was there for the ECT, too. I swear he was just like every other dude. He was into cars and had great cowboy boots. He also had a wicked sense of humor.<br />
<br />
Adrian was my best friend in there. He was a guy who made me feel valued and understood. Whenever I was down, he would talk to me and make me laugh. He had a quiet strength. I accidentally misgendered him once, and I felt SO bad, but he was SO cool about it. (If you read this, dude, just know I <i>still</i> feel bad, and I'm so grateful for your understanding!) Making friends with Adrian was a new experience for me - I'd never met anyone trans before - and I'm so grateful we met! My husband and I even got to go to his wedding a few weeks after I left the bin. A very cool guy.<br />
<br />
Were you hoping I'd be telling you stories of people who talked to themselves in imaginary languages or wore their underwear outside their straight jackets? Sorry. Everyone there was just like me - someone who needed a little help to get back on their feet, but who was otherwise normal. ECT has stolen the memories of nearly everyone else from my mind, but I assure you: they were <i>all</i> normal. Perhaps next I'll tell you the story of how little old normal me ended up there in the first place. Thank you for your patience!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-92048615609777961932018-08-20T16:19:00.000-06:002018-08-26T12:48:08.332-06:00And still I was broken...I'm nervous about writing this blog post for a few reasons. For one thing, I don't want my family, especially the family mentioned in the story, to be hurt or to worry. For another thing, I don't talk much about suicidality or self-injury urges. There are a lot of reasons for that; one reason is that I manage both issues pretty well, and I don't want anyone to call the cops on me and have me committed. It's a really scary thought, and once something like this is out there, it can't be taken back. But the thought of this post has been rolling around in my brain for over a week. I can't make it go away any other way than by putting it out there. So here it is: let me tell you about our fabulous SoCal vacation! My husband's parents flew us down for a week for his brother's wedding. The weather was hot, but we had so much fun!<br />
<br />
The first night we were there, my husband played in a softball game and helped the team to a healthy victory. I love watching him play, and he played well. <i>And I wished over and over that the game would end so I could go back to the house and go to bed. I wasn't that sleepy, I just couldn't abide the thought of existing while conscious any more for that day.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>The next day, we woke up early and went to the beach. The waves were small and the water was warm. <i>And I needed a nap right away after only an hour at the beach. It wasn't a bodily exhaustion as much as it was an exhaustion of the soul. </i>Next we went for pedicures and acai bowls. <i>And I needed another nap.</i> Then we went to the San Diego Zoo. We saw baby animals and my favorite elephants, and there was a zebra braying like a donkey that had me laughing so hard I was almost in tears. <i>And I thought about ways I could die there. It was an idle thought, not a plan, but that's not something normal for your brain to dwell on over and over and over when you're having fun.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>The day of the wedding itself was <i>long, </i>but it was a super neat day! The ceremony was incredible, and it happened to have been performed by someone I hadn't seen in years but who is very important to me. We went from the ceremony to a delicious Chinese restaurant. <i>And I was so tired I could barely hold a conversation. All I wanted to do was come home and nap before the reception. We ended up having to leave the luncheon early so I could rest.</i> The reception was one of the loveliest I've ever been to. There was live music, a photo booth, crepes, and an entire table of different gourmet cakes! <i>And I had thoughts of harming myself over and over throughout the evening. They came unbidden like robbers to steal the magic of the moment.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>All in all, there were no moments of drama, no moments where plans went wrong. We did a lot of fun family activities and rested a lot, too. There were a million awesome moments. <i>And still I was in pain. Still I had moments where I longed for the pain to stop. I almost couldn't wait to go home to where my boring reality more accurately matches the inner turmoil and pain and exhaustion. </i>But I had so much fun there! I am so grateful for in-laws who are patient with my limitations and let me rest, but who also provide incredibly fun diversions to keep me out of my own head. <i>But it didn't fix me. It didn't make me somehow whole.</i><br />
<br />
The reason this post is important is that it's important to me that you know that getting out and having fun, being in the sun, doing things you love, none of that cures depression. Depression requires treatment. I'm not depressed because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not depressed because I'm not getting out enough. I'm doing absolutely everything I can. <i>And still it seems like almost all I think about is dying or hurting myself or sleeping half the day away. The world is so overwhelming that I can hardly stand it. </i>But still I fight. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I head back to therapy next week. And as soon as I get the insurance kinks worked out, I start ECT. I think life is worth fighting for, even when I can barely do just that. I hope you'll get the help you need or help someone else get the help they need, because this battle is EXHAUSTING.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-33429105477494212942018-08-04T16:56:00.000-06:002018-08-04T16:57:49.168-06:00Depression is... Depression is sobbing to your husband because you have a toothache but no energy to make a dentist's appointment.<br />
<br />
Depression is sitting at home watching Netflix all day, bored out of your mind, but knowing that you don't have the ability to focus on anything else.<br />
<br />
Depression is showering once a week because the exhaustion brought on by the thought of all of the steps it takes to shower outweighs your disgust with yourself.<br />
<br />
Depression is 71 unanswered texts and 20 unanswered voicemails.<br />
<br />
Depression is overdrawing your bank account because you don't have the energy to make sure that your bills get paid.<br />
<br />
Depression is not talking to your friends because you're sick of saying, "No, it's worse again, not better."<br />
<br />
Depression is gaining tons of weight because you don't have the energy or motivation to exercise and cook healthy food.<br />
<br />
Depression is only brushing your hair when you actually have to leave the house (and not always then) because you don't care what people think anymore.<br />
<br />
Depression is not leaving your house unless you absolutely have to.<br />
<br />
Depression is constantly checking the clock during an activity you should enjoy because you're out of energy and you wish it was over already.<br />
<br />
Depression is eating uncooked macaroni out of the box because you know you need to eat something, but you don't have the energy to actually make anything.<br />
<br />
Depression is dreading going to the zoo, an activity you've looked forward to for months, because you're afraid there won't be enough places to sit and rest.<br />
<br />
Depression is all this and so much more, this is just how I've been feeling lately.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-85776955796260466762017-12-07T04:42:00.003-07:002017-12-07T04:42:36.512-07:00Medication Journey Update ~ Good News and Bad NewsI got the results of my genetic tests, and unfortunately they were not particularly helpful. The medications I was on were genetically compatible, as have been the two I've tried since. Now let me stress that the genetic testing has been a God-send for a lot of people I know, so don't discount it. It just happens not to have revealed any useful information in my case. So here's the deal:<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One of the medications I was on was causing the intense brain fog I was experiencing (complete inability to follow conversations, do basic math, etc.). It is apparently a known side-effect, but my old doctor told me I probably just needed to sleep more. Not cool, doc. Moral #1: Trust your instincts. If what a doctor is telling you doesn't feel right, dig deeper. Now that I'm off that medication, the brain fog is slowly dissipating. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The other main medication I was on for my depression is known to cause anxiety and is a fairly wimpy antidepressant. My new doctor said that she doesn't know why anyone prescribes it to people with anxiety. Yes, this is anecdotal, but the same exact thing happened with the same exact drug to someone close to me, and her doctor told here the same thing. Moral #2: If you are taking Wellbutrin and experiencing a lot of anxiety, <i>talk to your doctor </i>(or maybe even find a new doctor). I think I've had one anxiety attack in the 2+ months since I went off Wellbutrin, where I was experiencing 1-5 a WEEK on Wellbutrin.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyiZl8RY5gghps4tbbQR1B6FAu16bShgvQJ7d3_TsmnUsPuBK_jjFzItaELsw31uPXHxMoR_VTHdyOU-6Rtf3rLlLSaQMIy0JXVwHDH5lRrhck21Ox4nMPOz3O5m8zToZF1qCMCPJDEGM/s1600/Medications.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyiZl8RY5gghps4tbbQR1B6FAu16bShgvQJ7d3_TsmnUsPuBK_jjFzItaELsw31uPXHxMoR_VTHdyOU-6Rtf3rLlLSaQMIy0JXVwHDH5lRrhck21Ox4nMPOz3O5m8zToZF1qCMCPJDEGM/s400/Medications.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All the medications I was going off and on two months ago in all their various doses</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So there's the good news: The challenging symptoms I was experiencing were caused by my medications, and now that I'm off those medications, those symptoms are largely subsiding. <i>(Now, I need to stress that these medications worked very well for me for several years. They enabled me to finish my degree and do a lot of cool things. But they eventually quit being effective. Read <a href="http://justagirlashleigh.blogspot.com/2017/07/my-medication-journey-worth-it.html" target="_blank">here</a> for more details.)</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
But that's where the good news ends. I spent six weeks going off two medications and on a different one, but it didn't work. Like I said, the problems I had been having subsided, but they were replaced by a <i>deep</i> apathy, one that made it hard to stay alive. If breathing weren't autonomic, I swear I would have died because I just couldn't make myself do what I needed to. It took me 45 minutes to eat a pancake because it just felt like too much work. Obviously that was not the medication for me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I went back in to the doctor, it was honestly kind of discouraging to see her reaction. She was expecting me to be doing better, but I had just made a sideways slide into a new awful, and she was kind of scrambling to find something else to try. Well, I spent four more weeks going off one medication and onto another, and honestly? I'm not doing any better. I'm a little less apathetic, but it's a real struggle to perform basic functions because I just don't care. I showered today and truly it had probably been over a week. I racked my brain and couldn't figure out the last time I had showered. And I only did it today because I told a friend it was my goal for the day.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Basically, I need to go back to the doctor. But I don't have a lot of hope right now. I don't know what the next step is. I'm kind of afraid there isn't one, at least not a medication-related option. But I'm going to call tomorrow (technically today since it's almost 5:00 am, but I haven't slept yet) and make an appointment. Wish me luck.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-529033699657940942017-09-17T04:37:00.002-06:002017-09-17T04:37:10.912-06:00Keeping Track...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqkTLVk0g7Frg1X_pYPNjawu2wFQeFtEbPCcyKPNoSqDKaLTHjV9wcKkziQ7VjKuMfm0yPsC5JEN5VLT7dL_yeetWhyphenhyphen1QUluLlqo06BNre2wlj_MvzmHHTujuhJfOWXDpBID3SqSeUezY/s1600/To+do+list.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="375" data-original-width="464" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqkTLVk0g7Frg1X_pYPNjawu2wFQeFtEbPCcyKPNoSqDKaLTHjV9wcKkziQ7VjKuMfm0yPsC5JEN5VLT7dL_yeetWhyphenhyphen1QUluLlqo06BNre2wlj_MvzmHHTujuhJfOWXDpBID3SqSeUezY/s320/To+do+list.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Recently I decided to make a list. It's a list of all the little things I might accomplish on any given day, and each task is worth one point. This list doesn't include to-do's that need to get done, it's more like this:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Take a shower</li>
<li>Brush teeth</li>
<li>Brush hair</li>
<li>Work 1 hour</li>
<li>Leave the house</li>
<li>Return a text</li>
<li>Make a phone call</li>
<li>Trim fingernails</li>
<li>Trim toenails</li>
<li>You get the idea...</li>
</ul>
<div>
Simple things, you know? And each day I tally up how many things I've done. It's not to see if I've done enough- that's important to note. It's to give myself an idea of how I'm doing mentally and emotionally. I don't usually count every day, but since I'm seeing a brand new doctor on Wednesday (FINALLY), I've been trying to keep notes on how I've been doing for the last couple of weeks so I can more accurately describe my situation to her. In the last two weeks, I've averaged a score of six points per day (low of four, high of nine). That means I've accomplished around six things a day. For instance, last Monday this was my list of accomplishments:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Worked one hour</li>
<li>Dried a batch of apples (with help, 20 minutes' work)</li>
<li>Went to pharmacy</li>
<li>Emailed doctor</li>
</ul>
<div>
That's it. That's all I could do. Four points. And it exhausted me. That's all I had in me. The average Joe's list probably looks more like:</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Shower</li>
<li>Brush teeth</li>
<li>Brush hair</li>
<li>Style hair</li>
<li>Do makeup (ok, this is more of an average Jill than an average Joe usually)</li>
<li>Leave house for work</li>
<li>Work 8 hours (8 points)</li>
<li>Text multiple friends</li>
<li>Cook dinner </li>
<li>Clean kitchen</li>
<li>etc.</li>
</ul>
<div>
That fairly minimal list there is worth at <i>least</i> 17 points. And many people also exercise and go out with friends and have kids and run errands. But just writing that list tired me out. I'm not using hyperbole, I legitimately couldn't write for a minute or two because concentrating is hard lately. That fairly 'minimal' list is literally three days' worth of points for me. </div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I guess the reason I'm saying all this is that I want you to know that it's been good for me to keep track. It's been good for me to think about what I'm accomplishing and to think about whether or not I can accomplish more. The answer is, I can't. It's good to really know where I am in terms of my health. Once I tally up my points each day, I realize that I really am doing my best. I really can't do more.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What about you? How many points are you averaging? Remember, don't compare yourself to me, compare yourself to you. Are you doing ok? Is your 'score' consistently under ten? Do you need help? I know I do. That's why I spent a lot of points last week calling and emailing doctors and trying to get an appointment to get some help. That's why I'm going to the doctor Wednesday. I need help. I need to get better. I want my life back. Do you?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Do you know someone who needs encouragement? Ideas for recovery? Just to know they're not alone? Please share. It's hard feeling alone. It's better to know you're not!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-18504801830106079822017-08-28T14:11:00.002-06:002017-08-28T14:11:55.261-06:00Skeptical about trigger warnings?<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCFV-hASuzBUIemTJhgb85RS2yU2rxJz1AY3N0TgBByJ8RT3oyJMacPv6o0PuhDbv0dVVwE-pRiTsfpAe7gMqZrTPrqJT-2NvVBzqb5JkgZB8D4gbsJEXjJFdfDJwdESU_hRdzKr3b8jY/s1600/Trigger+warning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="559" data-original-width="1200" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCFV-hASuzBUIemTJhgb85RS2yU2rxJz1AY3N0TgBByJ8RT3oyJMacPv6o0PuhDbv0dVVwE-pRiTsfpAe7gMqZrTPrqJT-2NvVBzqb5JkgZB8D4gbsJEXjJFdfDJwdESU_hRdzKr3b8jY/s400/Trigger+warning.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For those of you who don't know what a trigger warning is,
it's a statement at the beginning of an article (or movie or book or college
course) that warns vulnerable consumers of content within it that may cause
them distress. That vulnerable consumer
can then choose whether or not to proceed.
Over the last few weeks I've heard a lot of people making fun of
"trigger warnings" and ridicule those who advocate for them. People scoff saying that life is not a
"safe space" and that the world will always present triggers that
can't be avoided, so people should just suck it up and deal with it. But before you dismiss trigger warnings as
millennial snowflake garbage, I want you to hear a part of my story. I can't speak for many of the kinds of
trigger warnings people advocate for, but I can speak of one from very personal
experience, and I am actually going to preface it with a trigger warning: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
TRIGGER WARNING: The following story has to do with
self-injury. If you are feeling
vulnerable, you may not want to proceed.
If you need immediate help, you can call the suicide prevention hotline
at 1-800-273-8255, or you can text 741741 to be connected to a crisis
counselor. Even if you're not suicidal,
they can sometimes help talk you through urges to hurt yourself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From about age 15 to age 25, I struggled with
self-injury. If you don't know what that
means, the Mayo Clinic describes it this way:
"Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the
act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or
burning yourself. It's typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this
type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense
anger and frustration."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From personal experience I can tell you that self-injury
(specifically cutting in my case) is an addictive behavior, and because it is
so visceral, seeing images of other people's cuts, self-inflicted or otherwise,
often triggered a deep emotional response in me. I'll tell you a story.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had been in remission from self-injury for several
months. One day I was having a hard day,
but I was keeping things under control, when suddenly one of my coworkers
accidentally cut his finger. It was a
deep cut, and it took a lot more time and effort than it should have to stop
the bleeding. I was deeply triggered,
and the combination of an already stressful day and the intense visual stimulus
put me over the edge, causing a relapse that lasted several weeks. I tell you this story so you'll understand
the power of visceral visual stimuli.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another time I was watching a movie and suddenly one of the
main characters grabbed another character's arm and forced her sleeve up,
exposing dozens of self-inflicted cuts.
Again, it affected me deeply. If
there had been a trigger warning at the beginning of the movie warning me of
the self-injury-related content, I could have A) mentally prepared myself for
the scene, or B) chosen not to watch the movie at all. Either option would have resulted in fewer
scars that remain on my body to this day.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not saying that everyone should be legally required to
warn of every type of potentially triggering content in every situation they're
in. I'm actually an advocate of freedom
of speech and freedom of expression. What
I am saying is that I am so grateful when people do use trigger warnings. I have no problem with a college professor
using a text that has intense content in it.
I am grateful when they warn their students of said content and let them
make an informed choice as to how to proceed.
I don't mind at all when authors choose to write about sensitive
subjects. I'm grateful when they warn us
that they're going to do so. I'm ok with
people choosing to portray graphic content in movies and television. I have personally benefitted from the times
when they've prefaced the content with a trigger warning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I understand that it's not possible (or even desirable) to
sanitize the world, and that people will always come across triggering
situations that can't be anticipated.
But why wouldn't we want to offer support in the places where we can
anticipate the trigger? Why wouldn't we
want to prevent suffering when we can?
Why do we ridicule people who are hanging on by the skin of their teeth
and who are begging for our help?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope the next time you want to make fun of people asking
for help, you'll remember my story,
remember the scars I bear. I am
not ashamed of them. I want to use them
to make the world a more compassionate place.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-57063779968514495932017-08-01T02:40:00.001-06:002017-08-01T02:40:27.353-06:00Learning to let goI'm just going to be real for this post, no warm and fuzzy advice. I feel like I've had to let go of a lot of things over the years.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I was younger, my dream was to be an actress. I had enough talent to get into a top acting school in New York City on a partial scholarship, but it wasn't meant to be. I had to do something more 'realistic.' Even though it was my dream. I let that go. </div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">When I was in high school, I was one of the 'smartest' kids around. My test scores were always high, and I never had to work for it. I got into a great college, but my mental health tanked and took my plans of finishing a degree in four years with it. I let that go. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In fact, to a large degree I've had to let all that super-intelligence go. I'm pretty average these days. It's part of the price I have to pay to stay sane. My medication slows my brain down a little. But I'd die without it, so I let that go. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have a great job with a company that I love. I was a top-notch full-time employee, I was good at my job, and I loved doing it. But I had a bit of a breakdown and I can only work part time now. I loved my job. But I let that go. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And I have been blessed with <i>so</i> many wonderful friends and family members I can hardly believe it. But I'm not functioning well enough to stay in touch with all of them. I have a few good hours a day, but I get exhausted so easily. I don't get depressed per-se, but I'm just still not capable of doing a lot. I want to be a best friend, cousin, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter, and wife to all the people I love. But I can't juggle it all right now. I've made peace with a lot of letting-go, but I don't want to let that go. I just don't know how to hang onto it.</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHGExV7beFVYwoNozSd8UIcQ78_lvl6QtzhGyzxdTum9co0NgzmHTt6wRQS1o3wAwNZw_ncZXfP_BGVl1EgceZE59IqtIQmHi7u5mTzQVBadZjlcGxMnUUoxbdR35_rsFDcYLWQjpzPZQ/s1600/learning+to+let+go.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHGExV7beFVYwoNozSd8UIcQ78_lvl6QtzhGyzxdTum9co0NgzmHTt6wRQS1o3wAwNZw_ncZXfP_BGVl1EgceZE59IqtIQmHi7u5mTzQVBadZjlcGxMnUUoxbdR35_rsFDcYLWQjpzPZQ/s320/learning+to+let+go.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only pic I could come up with that felt real.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-60156842857037799762017-07-24T01:27:00.004-06:002018-11-12T18:25:32.034-07:00My Medication Journey ~ Worth It!I've been on psychiatric medication off and on for over half my life. I have treatment-resistant depression, which means that it takes a LOT of work to stay on top of things. Medication is a journey, and it doesn't feel like there is really a destination, only the journey and making that journey as easy as possible.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A story:</div>
<div>
When I was a teenager, I wasn't self-aware enough to <i>really </i>pay attention to how my meds were affecting me. I just knew when I was miserable and when I was a little better. My psychiatrist was kind of awful, but he was the only one in town. We tried a few different medications. One day I was reading in the DSM and thought a particular paragraph in the bipolar section might describe something I experienced from time to time. I told him about it and he didn't even ask me more questions, he just let me diagnose myself (at age 14 or so) and gave me a medication for it. That medication caused me to sleep away a couple of years of my life. My record was 22 hours straight, awake for two hours, and then asleep for 13 more. And it was a medication that required regular blood tests to make sure my liver was still functioning. Every single mental health professional I've talked to since then (and there have been upwards of a dozen) has said that there was absolutely no way I have bipolar disorder. Eventually I quit seeing that psychiatrist and quit taking my medication and I was fine for a while. Until I wasn't. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A story:</div>
<div>
My next psychiatrist was fantastic. I had come home from an awful first semester of college and was really devastated, but she really listened to me and talked to me and worked through all my medication concerns with me. By this time I was around 18 and quite a bit more able to monitor how I was feeling and what was helping. I ended up on a combination of two antidepressants (the first one alone made me anxious, but both of them together were a perfect combo), and I took them for a couple of years. They worked pretty well. Until they didn't. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After that, I don't even remember how the journey worked out. Over the course of the years, I tried a LOT of different medications in a lot of different combos. Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Depakote, Adderall, Stratera, Lamictal, Xanax, Clonazapam, Gabapentin, Remiron, Ambien, and Abilify. And I've probably forgotten some. There have been a lot of times where things were great. Until they weren't.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
See, what you need to know is that the medication journey will never end for me. We find something that works for a few years, and then it becomes less and less effective until some sort of major stress hits and I'm back at square one. But I can not survive without medication. I need you to understand that. I need you to understand that I would be dead without medication. I am being completely serious and very literal here. My brain has a disease, and it just doesn't function without treatment. It's like how a diabetic needs insulin to stay alive. I need medication to stay alive. And I'm ok with that. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It can be a really frustrating journey. It is devastating every time my medication stops working, because I know how long it takes to get back on track. It is weeks, sometimes months before things get better. And I'm always scared that we won't find the next magic combo. At one point a few years ago my doctor told me that we were on our last option. You see, there are only so many classes of drugs and combinations you can try and we have tried them all. We're still on that final option with dosage tweaks and supporting medications along the way. It's really scary. But it's worth the fight. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The moral of the story is this: medication is hard. It's not the magic fix you hope it's going to be, and it can get discouraging when it takes a long time to find what works. But it's so worth it. It's worth the struggle every time I hear my nieces laugh or share a dorky moment with my husband. I'm writing this for me too, because it really doesn't feel like it's worth it sometimes and I need a reminder. Looking back from a healthier place, I assure you; it's worth it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix07SsX78JOxEAbqsMcRJUTe0hydnjy5m7NjasObO3NjAyeUh3sPudOuylSI26wPvuJMFrUTECbsY51CjAK4Zd-s-tLTcKckGcVIh7SqUIhuyMp20-KL8mIhmCIx2PsOdmkrykSaNTzSg/s1600/Silly+baby+picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix07SsX78JOxEAbqsMcRJUTe0hydnjy5m7NjasObO3NjAyeUh3sPudOuylSI26wPvuJMFrUTECbsY51CjAK4Zd-s-tLTcKckGcVIh7SqUIhuyMp20-KL8mIhmCIx2PsOdmkrykSaNTzSg/s320/Silly+baby+picture.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-44584469877882965072017-06-08T01:55:00.001-06:002017-06-08T01:56:30.718-06:0013 Reasons Why ~ Don't watch it!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<i>Trigger Warning: Victims of sexual assault and those who have struggled with self-injury and/or suicidal thoughts probably shouldn't read this. All you need to know is that I don't think you should watch the show. If you are currently struggling with suicidal thoughts, PLEASE call 1-800-273-8255 (USA) or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org to get help. The world needs you!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/trevinwax/files/2017/04/13-reasons-why-netflix-01-1200x800-300x200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="13-reasons-why-netflix-01-1200x800" border="0" src="http://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/trevinwax/files/2017/04/13-reasons-why-netflix-01-1200x800-300x200.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
13 Reasons Why, a Netflix original series about a girl who ultimately commits suicide, has been blowing up my news feed lately. It came out a couple of months ago, and I'm still seeing videos and blog posts about it. I was hesitant to watch it because experts said it was bad news, but curiosity finally won out and I watched it. I knew I probably shouldn't, but I did anyways. I wish I hadn't.<br />
<br />
The first few episodes were relatively innocuous. They were about the more minor slights that ultimately drove the main character to suicide. I can actually see the value in showing these episodes to teenagers to give them an idea of the impact their thoughtless words can have on others. Past that, though, the show went way too far.<br />
<br />
One of the main things I hated about the show was the fact that it showed two different rapes happening right there on the screen. A) That can be very traumatic for survivors of sexual assault to witness, and B) those are not images that I can easily get out of my head. They flash by at unbidden and have even interfered with my connection with my husband in a small way. It's not a major problem, but it's one I wish I had avoided.<br />
<br />
The rape scenes were hard to watch, but I got through them. What broke me was the graphic on-screen suicide. It shows her very violently slitting her wrists. I watched the first slash and covered my eyes, suddenly and completely devastated. The depiction touched a nerve so deep I didn't think it was there anymore, but I fell apart for hours. I couldn't function. I was lucky enough to have a loving, compassionate husband there to hold me, but a lot of people aren't that lucky, and they would have to go through that alone.<br />
<br />
Many of you know that I used to suffer from self-injury, something that hasn't been a part of my life for over five years now. But knowing that I have held a knife to my own skin and watching her wreck hers was hell. They should not have shown it on screen. Experts warned them not to, and they did it anyways, probably for shock value. Well shock it did. It's been something I've been actively fighting to get out of my mind for days. (Don't worry, I am completely safe and not in danger of a relapse or of committing suicide myself. I'm just feeling deeply disturbed by what I have seen.)<br />
<br />
In short, don't watch this show. It's so graphic and so devastating, and you just don't need to see it. ESPECIALLY if you have been through any of the things the main character went through or felt any of the things she felt. Be good to one another. Set an example for teens in your circle of influence and teach them that their actions can have grave consequences. Listen to and love anyone who is hurting. And skip 13 Reasons Why.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-83693107002888011692017-05-04T02:36:00.004-06:002017-07-07T00:10:33.301-06:00"May Flowers," or "I'm feeling better?"<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Tonight as I was praying, I spent some time thanking God for the month of May. It means so much to me. As I prayed, I went through the list of things I love about May:</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
<br />
<div>
1) It's Mental Health Awareness Month, which is the cause most dear to my heart. </div>
<div>
2) It has Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be with You!), which is also important (obviously ;) ). </div>
<div>
3) It has my wedding anniversary, and finding David was one of the biggest miracles I've ever seen. </div>
<div>
4) It has my birthday.....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As I thought about my birthday, something occurred to me; I'm glad that I was born. To the average bear this may seem like a "Duh" moment, but for me it represents a real, tangible step forward in my journey towards feeling better. I honestly haven't felt truly positive about life in months. Yes, there were fleeting moments and joyous things that happened, but when I'm depressed, I can't really feel that joy. I know it should be there, and I mark the moment, but I can't feel it. There's something interfering with the signal. But tonight I felt it. I felt something positive. It spoke louder than the lies depression keeps telling me, and I wept for joy. So here's my message to you for when you're suffering: </div>
</div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
KEEP FIGHTING! IT GETS BETTER!!!</div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
❤️</div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">
AR<br />
<br />
<img src="webkit-fake-url://d0c9deb9-d6a8-4b79-807a-3146944e592c/imagejpeg" /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-81614207284058545832017-04-19T17:00:00.000-06:002017-04-19T17:11:55.437-06:00Star Wars: A New Metric for my Depression??What you need to know about me to understand this post is that I am <i>obsessed</i> with Star Wars. I'm wearing a shirt that says "Star Wars" in two languages and a BB-8 bracelet. There are two Star Wars posters above my computer screen and countless action figures and books all around me.<br />
<br />
I know it may seem frivolous (obsessions with sports teams seem similarly frivolous to me but I don't judge), but I love Star Wars. It's my happy place. It always makes me happy. Or at least I thought it did...<br />
<br />
The day the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens came out two and a half years ago, I must have watched it at least thirty times. I grinned ear to ear the whole time. I couldn't have been more happy, and I spent the next 392 days in blissful anticipation. Of course I had hard times, but none of them were so bad that Star Wars didn't make me smile.<br />
<br />
Last Friday the trailer for the newest Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi, premiered. I watched the live-streamed convention panel where the stars and director talked about it, and then they streamed the trailer for the first time!!!!!! And I. Felt. Nothing. Nothing at all. And then they played it again and I thought, "Oh I must not have been paying attention well enough" (as if) "or I'm just tired but I'll be more alert this time. Surely it will be better." And I felt nothing again. <br />
<br />
As I stared at the screen and listened to all the convention-goers cheer, I finally realized just how depressed I am right now. All of the struggles we (we being my husband and I) have had over the last few months (I'm looking at you tiny angry landlady with the roofless apartment) are resolved. There are no major problems in our lives right now. And yet I can barely get out of bed. I can't manage to work more than an hour or two a day. Phone calls go unanswered. Texts go unread. Smoke signals go unreturned. All of the people who have asked me about my reaction to the new Star Wars trailer have been lied to. The truth is that I am currently broken. <br />
<br />
It took me too long to acknowledge this bout of depression, and that's a huge problem. I tried alternately to ignore what was going on or to attribute it to other health issues I was having. Guys, that is a PROBLEM! I feel like I'm sort of an expert on this whole surviving depression thing, but I ignored all of my own best advice. And I've been afraid to publicly acknowledge the current struggle because I was afraid it would be seen as a failure and that all the people who have told me they look to me for inspiration would feel betrayed. But I'm speaking out now because I think you need to know that this is not a fight that goes away for me. I'm never speaking out of a place of "I've been there" wisdom. It's always a place of "I will always sort of be there." It ebbs and flows, and right now it's worse than it's been in a few years. But it will not win. I will keep fighting, as must all of you in whatever battles you face!<br />
<br />
I have a therapist, I go for walks when I can, I take my medication, and I just saw my doctor again (new medication regimen starts tomorrow). I wear my Star Wars shirts and bracelets and try to smile. I am doing everything 'right.' But the insane stress of late 2016/early 2017 (details unimportant) broke me and exceeded the limits of my old medication, and it's just going to take as long as it takes to pull myself out of the hole.<br />
<br />
There's nothing anyone can do right now, and I promise I'll ask if something comes up. If you have reached out to me any time this year and I have not responded, please know that it was NOT an intentional slight! <br />
<br />
Please keep reaching out, but please don't expect a response. I do deeply appreciate knowing that people care. Know that between an awesome therapist, a competent doctor, and a loving husband, I am being well cared for.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYc_egumSdh8c-P45ejI5JyRZ6-aSiYgZAlGZtnrJtEPMlrt-z7uT05RgvlusyO3aq3gPphxqV6lzVIaDd1oOpH6TUl7POBCyJd7Cs0sWjvQVqjn4boJYdkPJjD8MB3vxtFYBwwC-cVQU/s1600/IMG_0338.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYc_egumSdh8c-P45ejI5JyRZ6-aSiYgZAlGZtnrJtEPMlrt-z7uT05RgvlusyO3aq3gPphxqV6lzVIaDd1oOpH6TUl7POBCyJd7Cs0sWjvQVqjn4boJYdkPJjD8MB3vxtFYBwwC-cVQU/s320/IMG_0338.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding onto happiness</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-59109128909362090502017-04-06T02:39:00.001-06:002017-04-06T02:39:38.912-06:00How to find a therapist:I get asked all the time how to find a therapist; I have seen at least ten different therapists over the years, so I have a little experience in the matter. Some I've found through school and church, some through the community counseling center in Jackson, WY, and my current therapist I found online. It can be really daunting to find a therapist, so I thought I'd break down some of the options I know the most about here:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><b><u>For EVERYONE</u></b>: I recently found and started using a service called BetterHelp. It's an online therapy program that allows you to send messages and have voice or video sessions with a therapist. As I mentioned, I just started using this one less than two months ago, but here are my thoughts:</li>
<ul>
<li>Pro's:</li>
<ul>
<li>You don't have to leave your house. All you have to do is turn on your computer or phone. That is SO nice when I'm having a day where I don't feel like I can get out of bed!</li>
<li>They have over 700 therapists, so you're matched with one within 24 hours. You just fill out a quick survey and they pair you with someone who will be a good fit. Also:</li>
<li>If they're not a good fit, you simply request a switch and get a new counselor within a matter of days. At other counseling centers, that process can take weeks.</li>
<li>You can do your scheduling through the app or website, or your counselor can take care of it for you.</li>
<li>Even if you move, you can keep the same therapist. Not an option with non-online counseling!</li>
<li>The first week is free, so you can try it out without committing to pay anything. After that, you get unlimited messages and video sessions for $45 a week. I know that can feel like a lot of money, but it is SO much cheaper than most places. <i>Your mental health is worth the investment!</i></li>
</ul>
<li>Con's:</li>
<ul>
<li>There are a LOT of bugs with the video chat on the iPhone app. Until they get them worked out, use a computer for the video chats.</li>
</ul>
<li>Click <a href="https://www.betterhelp.com/" target="_blank">here</a> to go to their website and get signed up!</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><u><b>For BYU* students</b></u>: The BYU Counseling Center (in the basement of the WILK) is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. It's totally free, and they have truly amazing therapists there. If you see Russ Bailey or Marlene Williams, tell them hi for me! *Many universities have counseling centers. It's worth checking to see if yours is one of them!</li>
<ul>
<li>Pro's:</li>
<ul>
<li>Free</li>
<li>Conveniently located</li>
<li>Amazing therapists (between individual and group therapy and going to school for a billion years, I've worked with five different counselors, all of whom were wonderful.)</li>
</ul>
<li>Con's:</li>
<ul>
<li>Counselors are often so busy (because they're awesome) that you can only get an appointment every week and a half to two weeks.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhckqFhoThG5xVJzvHUn6aDA95dyU4bH9bIUV99_PIXtQ1iaYxiiZskO1zu7-Dd0fJwMyrEHjUVgNNLCXE3XuYzTi1FbhxbmlSFYuy3jKhkJWO4Ys86cuTlmBdq8zFBWmM4BFieHfjV1hk/s1600/IMG_9333.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhckqFhoThG5xVJzvHUn6aDA95dyU4bH9bIUV99_PIXtQ1iaYxiiZskO1zu7-Dd0fJwMyrEHjUVgNNLCXE3XuYzTi1FbhxbmlSFYuy3jKhkJWO4Ys86cuTlmBdq8zFBWmM4BFieHfjV1hk/s320/IMG_9333.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my favorite therapists, Russ Bailey. He's at the BYU Counseling Center.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<ul>
<li><b><u>For Mormons*</u></b>: Ask your bishop if there is an LDS Family Services office near you. I know many people who have used them, and they're awesome. *Do other faiths have anything similar? If so, please leave a comment and let me know!</li>
<ul>
<li>Pro's:</li>
<ul>
<li>It's often helpful to have a therapist who understands your belief system and can integrate those beliefs with your therapy. </li>
<li>I'm not sure about pricing, but I'm sure it's at least on an income-based sliding scale.</li>
</ul>
<li>Con's: </li>
<ul>
<li>You need to talk to the bishop to get a referral. The only reason I put this in the con section is that I know when I'm depressed, it's so hard to get anything done; that includes making appointments with bishops and counselors.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b><u>For everyone (sort of)</u></b>: Most communities have community counseling centers that accept clients, many of whom offer a sliding pricing scale based on income. You can also ask a health care professional for a referral.</li>
</ul>
<div>
Basically I am an enormous advocate of therapy, and I hope that you'll get help wherever you are! Was this helpful? What other questions do you have about therapy? Leave a comment below and I'll do my best to answer!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-77258344563742971022017-02-13T00:00:00.000-07:002017-02-13T00:00:20.595-07:00The duality of living. I could write two posts about my life right now, and both would be true. I could tell you about getting all settled in to our new apartment. I could tell you about the blessing of finding new furniture that fits just right in the space and is right within our tiny budget. I could tell you about how grateful we are that Dad and Stu braved the avalanches to bring us the rest of our kitchen supplies and how grateful we are to friends and family who have helped us move and get organized. I could tell you about the sunny weather and sleeping with the windows open in February. I could tell you about weekly family dinners with good food and great company.<br />
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I could also tell you that I've been to see two new psychiatrists and a new psychologist. I could tell you that I haven't been able to work for a week and a half because I've temporarily (I hope) lost the ability to perform basic tasks I used to be able to do in my sleep. I could tell you how I have to choose between showering and having dinner with my husband because I don't have the energy to do both. I could tell you that I can only make it to about twenty minutes of church each week before I have to go lay down. I could tell you about all the tears of frustration I've shed because I'm so off my game and I so desperately don't want to be. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I could write both of these posts. I could pick which one to share. I could pick which me I want you to see. But I think it's important to share both because they are both true. There is no good without the hard, and the hard is bearable because of the good. None of us are just one or the other. You are not alone. </div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-21779439969525790342017-01-13T05:15:00.000-07:002017-01-13T05:15:50.514-07:00So long, Carrie, and thanks for all the fish!In trying to fulfill my New Years resolution to write more in my blog, I stumbled across this unfinished post. The timing seems uncanny- Carrie has been gone for just a few weeks now. But I'm going to publish what I had two years ago and then officially finish it off. The interesting thing is it starts like this:<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>For some reason this post is being difficult and I'm having trouble making the writing flow. Bear with me. Or just scroll down and look at the pictures :)<br />
<br />
When I was a little girl, Princess Leia was my hero. She was awesome. Her main motivation wasn't finding a boyfriend. It was freedom. She fought for what she believed in. (She found love anyways though, which was cool.) And she was sarcastic and hilarious and held her own with all the men running around the Star Wars universe. Eventually, she even became a mom (I loved the Star Wars books as a kid... ok, I still love them), but she kept fighting for freedom and family and wielding a blaster (and occasionally a lightsaber!). <br />
<br />
Now fast-forward twenty or so years. <br />
<br />
I still love Princess Leia. But Carrie Fisher is my hero now. I've been suffering from mental illness for over half my life. I have severe depression and anxiety that sometimes makes me have to put my life on hold for months at a time. Well, Carrie Fisher suffers from mental illness too, and....</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And that's all I wrote back then. The experience was too hard to capture. So I'll say it now: </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Two years ago this month, I met Carrie, and I gave her a medal. I made a matching one for me, too. They're cheap plastic medals that say "MENTALLY ILL" in crooked, glued-on stickers on the back. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<img alt="" id="id_a89e_382e_3df9_f0e9" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-2swDrB5bL04/WHjEhvY2NdI/AAAAAAAAAg4/qFhikqhzedQ/%25255BUNSET%25255D.png" style="height: auto; width: 298px;" title="" tooltip="" /> </div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Carrie with Gary, her partner in crime</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She mentioned in one of her books that everyone living with mental illness deserved a medal, and I wanted to make sure <i>someone</i> got her one. Anyways, I gave it to her, and then I talked to her for a few minutes and thanked her for helping me learn to talk about my illness. I never thought in a million years I'd get the chance to do that. And she wrote on the title page of my copy of The Best Awful, my favorite book of hers, "For Ashleigh, my heroine and fellow tribe-member, Love Carrie." And now she's gone. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<img alt="" id="id_3f81_50f1_2cba_5b5a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-qQU43t8GGBs/WHjEh-gXW2I/AAAAAAAAAhA/p4sCfHTI4_E/%25255BUNSET%25255D.png" style="height: auto; width: 298px;" title="" tooltip="" /> </div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">This means SO much to me </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My tribe member is gone, and I am grieving. I never would have learned to talk about mental illness if it wasn't for her; even the other author who helped inspire me was herself inspired by Carrie. Carrie's courage changed my perception of myself and of my illness. I now proudly proclaim it. I shout it from the mountain tops, because I now have the power to climb that high. The freedom from stigma. The strength to stand. I owe it to Carrie, and she's gone. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I'm going to stop feeling awkward about grieving someone I only met once. I grieve for my tribe member and am humbly grateful that I got the chance to tell her what she meant to me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<img alt="" id="id_8ae0_9053_f777_be8f" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HezH5UOAmNY/WHjEh7HDCFI/AAAAAAAAAg8/kVCx2g3DPMM/%25255BUNSET%25255D.png" style="height: auto; width: 298px;" title="" tooltip="" /> </div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Thanks, Carrie. Give 'em hell!</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-58147572313390939222015-02-25T11:55:00.003-07:002015-02-25T11:56:54.248-07:00Wait, this isn't depression.........?The <a href="http://justagirlashleigh.blogspot.com/2011/12/the-light-at-end-of-tunnel-and-unicorns.html" target="_blank">light at the end of the tunnel</a> just turned into a flashing disco ball.<br />
<br />
For over half my life, I've been dealing with debilitating depression. It has at times defined me. It has certainly shaped me. Now it's just one part of me, albeit a significant one. But I just started a new medication, and I am suddenly a VERY different person.<br />
<br />
It's not a good thing. It's not a super, super bad thing. It <i>is</i> a monumentally confusing thing.<br />
<br />
I've always been an extreme introvert. I need a lot of alone time to recharge, and being around people really, really exhausts me. But suddenly, I'm bored and lonely (I literally haven't been lonely in years) if I'm alone. I have this constant craving to be around people. I've done more socializing in the last week than I've done in the last six months combined. Maybe literally.<br />
<br />
And I can't hold onto a thought to save my life. I've always been a thinker. I've always lived inside my mind a bit, and I like it there. But now it's just kind of a slowly swirling place with nothing really solid to hold onto. <br />
<br />
And I keep waking up early in the morning to do my homework because I'm increasingly incapable of focus as the day wears on. If you know me at all, you know this is seriously atypical behavior. The real (?) me prefers staying up until 4:00 am to waking up before noon. But lately I can't sleep more than five hours at a time anyways, so I just get up and do stuff. I miss sleeping.<br />
<br />
And I can't sit still. I can't just <i>be</i>. I have to always be doing 14 things, and I'm suddenly bored with all of them within five minutes. I've already taken like three breaks writing this post, so it's probably going to be really disjointed. When I looked back at my screen after the first break, I had totally and completely forgotten I was even writing anything. It was a pleasant surprise? I guess?<br />
<br />
Here's the deal. My therapist is worried that I'm exhibiting bipolar behavior, specifically hypomania. Now if it's medication-induced and we can get it to go away, it's no big deal. But there is a chance that the medication just triggered something that was already there. Which is bad. <br />
<br />
In my humble opinion, bipolar disorder is worse than depression because it's depression plus something. Depression squared maybe? I'm unsure of the math of mental illness, but whatever numbers add up to worse, that's what bipolar is. <br />
<br />
So I can't focus and I can't make decisions (unless they're pretty impulsive) and I can't be me, and I hate it. But not as bad as I hate being really depressed like I was three weeks ago.<br />
<br />
I wish I could think of a conclusion to this post, but it just doesn't seem to have one. Or at least it's not something I can hold onto....... Oh I started with a disco ball! I'll end there. Instead of being a dimly flickering naked bulb, the light at the end of the tunnel is now a flashing disco ball. Super fun for a party, but really disorienting when you're trying to find your way out of somewhere scary.<br />
<br />
Does anyone have any thoughts? I can't seem to stop talking about it, so I may as well talk about it with you!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-49075693746331094602015-02-08T17:33:00.001-07:002015-02-08T17:33:08.364-07:00Lucky, Blessed, and Depressed. I have a pretty great life. I have an awesome family who gives me love and everything else I've ever needed. I have a couple of really cool horses who I've gotten to see grow up from being stubborn little colts to being stubborn big colts. I have amazing friends from all over the world. I've gotten to visit Europe and live in the Middle-East. I have been on Good Morning America. I have been in the newspaper as recently as last week. I have gotten to meet my Hollywood heroes at incredibly fun Comic Con events. I even got to thank one of my biggest heroes (though she's actually quite short) in person for her mental health advocacy- she called me a member of her tribe, an honor I will always cherish. I have a good psychiatrist and an amazing therapist. And I have the support of a loving God. But I'm still sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing for absolutely no reason. I'm feeling really, really depressed again. It'll pass. It always does. But remember when you're looking at my life from the outside in and seeing all the fun I have, that what you aren't seeing is the girl on the bathroom floor. She is lucky and she is blessed. And she is also really, really depressed.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-16224118141737419602014-03-14T05:54:00.001-06:002014-03-14T05:54:18.296-06:00Loving Someone who has Depression<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> One in four of you will experience a
period of clinical depression at some point in your life. You are highly unlikely to have to deal with
it for a whole lifetime like I do, but you have a one in four chance of
experiencing real depression. The good
news is that many people who have one depressive episode never experience
another. But if you happen to be one of
the one in four who does have this experience, I want to share something important
with you- something I’ve learned the hard way.
If you’re not one of the one in four, you know someone who is. I think this is important for you to know,
too. Let me start with a little bit of
my story- I want you to know that I know what I’m talking about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> When I was in middle school and high
school dealing with my depression (I have Major Depressive Disorder, MDD, or
depression), I had no idea what was going on; I just knew that my life was
falling apart and I absolutely couldn’t deal with it. I hung on by the skin of my teeth. With therapy, I made it through each
episode. See, depression for me has
always come in waves. I always have it,
but it is usually mostly under control.
Sometimes, though, it’s not. When
I started college, the first time a major episode hit, it knocked me down
hard. I wasn’t sure it would end. When it finally did, I picked myself up and
tried again. And then the next one
hit. And it got better. And then another one hit. And it got better. Each time, I lost months and even years to
the disease. I just hunkered down and
gritted my teeth and waited for it to be over and then tried to get back to
living my life. I continuously worked
with doctors and medications and therapists and therapy groups and figured out
how to make each episode as bearable as possible. In total, I’ve spent around five years nearly
incapacitated by my depression, and I’ve lived with the disease for over half
my life. That’s how you know I know what
I’m talking about. But why does my
experience matter to you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> Well, throughout the course of this
last major episode (I’m just starting to pull out of it now), I’ve learned
something really important. You see, I
used to just hunker down and wait till it was over. I worked <i>hard</i> in therapy and with my
doctors to find the right medications and address problematic thought patterns,
but I still felt like I was waiting out a storm and when it passed, I’d come
back out from under the depression. I
felt like the depressed person couldn’t possibly be me- like I was waiting for <i>me</i>
to come back. In a way, that’s
useful. It helped me to visualize my
healthy self coming back to take control of my life again. But in another way, it held me back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> As long as I thought of my depressed
self as me+depression, I couldn’t really love my depressed self. And anyone else who has thought of me this
way- who has waited for me to come back from wherever I go when I’m depressed-
hasn’t really been loving my true self either.
You (and I) shouldn’t love me despite my depression. We shouldn’t love me “even when” I’m
depressed. What we have to realize is
that I’m <i>always</i> me. And we need
to love <i>me.</i> The depressed
me. The depressed me isn’t just to be
tolerated, pitied, or suffered through.
The depressed me <i>IS</i> me. I
am me, no matter where I go or what I go through. It’s a fine distinction, but it’s an
important one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> During the worst of this most recent
episode, I so often found myself waiting for “me” to come back so that I could
do the things I meant to do and move forward in my life. But one day I realized that “me” was never
coming back. I was <i>never</i> going to
be the person I was before this episode.
I never have returned to being the person I was before any given
episode. That’s the point. I grow and change in <i>really</i> important
ways every time this happens to me. And
I’m me while I’m going through these tough times. This
may seem like a small thing, but it’s made a big difference to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> So if you’re going through a tough
time, realize this: you’re not just “in there somewhere”. You’re right there on the surface. You <i>are</i> you. You don’t have to apologize for what you’re
going through or promise to make it up to people when “you” come back. You just have to love <i>you</i>. And you have to have people in your life who
will love <i>you</i>. Not love you <i>despite</i>
your sickness. Not love you “even when”
you’re sick. But love the sick you,
because that <i>is</i> you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> And to all of you who know and love
someone with depression (or bipolar disorder or anxiety or anything else), remember
this. I know it’s repetitive, but it’s
important: Don’t love a person <i>despite</i> their illness. Don’t love them “even when” they’re ill. Love the ill them. Because that <i>is</i> them. It will set them free.<span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-33587748755318460012014-02-05T17:24:00.004-07:002014-02-05T17:28:25.533-07:00Drowning and Depression<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Last
semester was a rough one.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I ended up
having to drop all my classes and sit on the couch clinging on to my sanity for
dear life.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don’t know why.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don’t know why this sometimes happens to
me.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes I just get wildly
depressed for no reason, even though I’m still taking my meds.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Even though </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">nothing</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> has changed.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So I met with my therapist and my doctor a
hundred thousand times. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And things got
better.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A medication overhaul usually
does that, but it usually takes at least a thousand years to get it right.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so I made it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I lived through the worst of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"> But
now is now, and now is different. I am feeling vastly better, but I am definitely not all the way back to ok yet. I <i>really</i>
need to finish school for financial and sanity related reasons. So I’m enrolled in 8 credits right now. Last summer, I took 17.5 credits AND explored
Israel, Turkey, and Jordan all at the same time. But now is now. I go to school three days a week for four
hours each day, and I diligently do my homework. That’s all.
That’s all I do. And it’s All. I.
Can. Do. This is where the drowning part
comes in. I feel like I’m drowning in 8
credits. I can barely do the work and go
to the classes. I am exhausted by the
end of each day, including my days off. It’s
all I can do to keep my head above the water.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">And
outside of school, I have loves. I have
two horses who need exercise and who I love dearly. I have two nieces who need playtime and who I
love fiercely. I have friends and family
in the area who just need face time and who I love sincerely. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who is
trying so hard and being so accommodating and kind and patient and who I love
deeply. But 8 credits is All. I. Can.
Do. All of the other things in my life
are falling by the wayside completely neglected. And I am drowning in the guilt. The 8-credit-drowning wouldn’t be so bad if
the storm of guilt didn’t keep sweeping in and dragging me under. Sometimes I allow my mind to wander for just
a moment to one of the things I’m neglecting and I slip under the surface and
come up spluttering and gasping and screaming in my head because I know I can’t
do it all. I know I’ll slip back under
the surface of the dark depression if I do too much. The other day I went shoe shopping for an
hour AND grocery shopping for an hour on one of my days off and it was almost
more than I could do to drag myself to campus the next day. I spent the whole weekend in bed recuperating. And I feel pathetic. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like a disappointment. And I don’t know what to do about it other
than keep swimming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-37719287032458246832013-08-06T14:34:00.003-06:002013-08-06T14:34:56.415-06:00Unexpected FriendshipSomeone just said something to me I never thought I'd hear- in fact, I never could have even dreamed this sentence up if I had tried. I was talking to one of my best friends about how we met and became friends and she said this: "When I saw your scars, I knew I could be friends with you." I immediately burst into tears. I have always thought of my scars as something that people might be able to someday accept if they got to know me well enough. I have on rare occasion had fellow self-injurers connect with me because of my scars, but those connections tend to be tenuous and fleeting. I never in a million years dreamed that my scars could be part of the start of a friendship with someone who had no scars of her own. So to all of you out there who struggle with something that makes you feel unlovable, I humbly assert that you are WRONG. Nobody is unlovable. Nothing can make you unlovable. You deserve love, and you will find it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-78946548948558338632013-06-23T13:30:00.000-06:002013-06-23T13:30:49.113-06:00Panicking about panic...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>HE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yesterday I had the worst panic attack I've ever had. Nothing in particular triggered it. In fact, it started while I was in the Garden of Gethsemane* having some quiet time with a good friend. My chest got so tight I could hardly breathe. I've never had a panic attack even remotely that bad before, and I've had some doozies. It was terrifying. Luckily, I had Xanax, but still. I only take Xanax in emergencies, so I put off taking it until it was pretty bad. It took at least half an hour before I could breathe normally again. And half an hour is a long time to wait to be able to breathe again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>HE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> So this morning when I went to have breakfast in the cafeteria, everything was hilarious. Because like I said, I don't really take Xanax. So my friends sat around helplessly while I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. It was so much better than not being able to breathe, but still very disconcerting. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>HE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> All day today, my chest would start to get a little tight, and I'd start to panic. Luckily I have good friends who kept checking up on me throughout the day and talked me down when I felt horrible. I took a nap before dinner because my body was still feeling really off, and when I woke up, I was so depressed I could hardly head upstairs to eat. I picked at my food and didn't participate in conversations. After dinner, I tried to curl up in my bed, but I started to freak out again. Luckily my friend came and found me and took care of me. I'm really grateful for her. And I'm aware this post is disjointed and poorly written, but I just had to get it out of my head and onto the page. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">*I am studying abroad in Jerusalem this summer. SO AWESOME.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5245012384272148413.post-13144579017140444252013-06-23T13:28:00.001-06:002013-06-23T13:28:27.753-06:00Panicking about panic...<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yesterday
I had the worst panic attack I've ever had. Nothing in particular
triggered it. In fact, it started while I was in the Garden of
Gethsemane* having some quiet time with a good friend. My chest got so
tight I could hardly breathe. I've never had a panic attack even
remotely that bad before, and I've had some doozies. It was
terrifying. Luckily, I had Xanax, but still. I only take Xanax in
emergencies, so I put off taking it until it was pretty bad. It took at
least half an hour before I could breathe normally again. And half an
hour is a long time to wait to be able to breathe again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> So
this morning when I went to have breakfast in the cafeteria, everything
was hilarious. Because like I said, I don't really take Xanax. So my
friends sat around helplessly while I laughed so hard I almost fell out
of my chair. It was so much better than not being able to breathe, but
still very disconcerting. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> All
day today, my chest would start to get a little tight, and I'd start to
panic. Luckily I have good friends who kept checking up on me
throughout the day and talked me down when I felt horrible. I took a
nap before dinner because my body was still feeling really off, and when
I woke up, I was so depressed I could hardly head upstairs to eat. I
picked at my food and didn't participate in conversations. After
dinner, I tried to curl up in my bed, but I started to freak out again.
Luckily my friend came and found me and took care of me. I'm really
grateful for her. And I'm aware this post is disjointed and poorly
written, but I just had to get it out of my head and onto the page. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">*I am studying abroad in Jerusalem this summer. SO AWESOME.</span></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0