Last
semester was a rough one. I ended up
having to drop all my classes and sit on the couch clinging on to my sanity for
dear life. I don’t know why. I don’t know why this sometimes happens to
me. Sometimes I just get wildly
depressed for no reason, even though I’m still taking my meds. Even though nothing has changed. So I met with my therapist and my doctor a
hundred thousand times. And things got
better. A medication overhaul usually
does that, but it usually takes at least a thousand years to get it right. And so I made it. I lived through the worst of it.
But
now is now, and now is different. I am feeling vastly better, but I am definitely not all the way back to ok yet. I really
need to finish school for financial and sanity related reasons. So I’m enrolled in 8 credits right now. Last summer, I took 17.5 credits AND explored
Israel, Turkey, and Jordan all at the same time. But now is now. I go to school three days a week for four
hours each day, and I diligently do my homework. That’s all.
That’s all I do. And it’s All. I.
Can. Do. This is where the drowning part
comes in. I feel like I’m drowning in 8
credits. I can barely do the work and go
to the classes. I am exhausted by the
end of each day, including my days off. It’s
all I can do to keep my head above the water.
And
outside of school, I have loves. I have
two horses who need exercise and who I love dearly. I have two nieces who need playtime and who I
love fiercely. I have friends and family
in the area who just need face time and who I love sincerely. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who is
trying so hard and being so accommodating and kind and patient and who I love
deeply. But 8 credits is All. I. Can.
Do. All of the other things in my life
are falling by the wayside completely neglected. And I am drowning in the guilt. The 8-credit-drowning wouldn’t be so bad if
the storm of guilt didn’t keep sweeping in and dragging me under. Sometimes I allow my mind to wander for just
a moment to one of the things I’m neglecting and I slip under the surface and
come up spluttering and gasping and screaming in my head because I know I can’t
do it all. I know I’ll slip back under
the surface of the dark depression if I do too much. The other day I went shoe shopping for an
hour AND grocery shopping for an hour on one of my days off and it was almost
more than I could do to drag myself to campus the next day. I spent the whole weekend in bed recuperating. And I feel pathetic. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like a disappointment. And I don’t know what to do about it other
than keep swimming.
I read a book, "when I say no, I feel guilty" that helped me a bit with guilt. The main thing I took from it was that I'm a person and my feeling are allowed to matter. I have to do what I have to do for me and feeling guilty doesn't really help anyone. I'm not sure that's helpful to you at all, but I hope it is even just a little bit.
ReplyDeleteGood work on the swimming you're doing. :)
You have to work harder for some credits than others. Give yourself some kudos because you're still trying. I read something once about productive procrastination. We're always procrastinating something, the key is to figure out what's most important and then procrastinate the other stuff. Remind yourself in each moment of panic; yes, there are a lot of things I have to do but i am working on this in this moment.
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