Usually when I write, the idea gestates for a while until it feels like it is fully formed. Only then do I get out my laptop and push the thing out. It's not something I can control; the ideas won't come from my fingertips until they're fully formed. Well, I've been promising posts on my hospitalization and ECT experience for months, but they just won't come. They don't feel ready. I've tried to force them, and the snippets I've written were laughable. So I'm going to try a different tack today. I'm going to try to write around the topic. Maybe if I can get out some of the less important details, the water will break and the real posts can be born. Please bear with me; this is not my best writing. It can't even really be called good writing, but I have to get it out.
One thing that kind of surprised me about my hospitalizations is how normal all of my fellow inmates were. Every single person in Four North, the ward I spent most of my time in, was someone you would meet on the street and never suspect. You'd never know we were all nuts.
Rebecca (Don't worry, I'm changing everyone's name. The only loony you need to be able to identify by name is me.) was a mom right around my age who had the most adorable little black baby with curly blond hair. She never ate lunch with the rest of us because her family always came to eat with her. It was fun to see the baby every day.
Annie was also doing ECT. She seemed like a slightly more jaded, grown-up version of me. She had awesome hair (how? I have no idea- it's not like they let us have curling irons) and a snarky sense of humor.
Adam had driven in from out of state to stay there with us. He was there for the ECT, too. I swear he was just like every other dude. He was into cars and had great cowboy boots. He also had a wicked sense of humor.
Adrian was my best friend in there. He was a guy who made me feel valued and understood. Whenever I was down, he would talk to me and make me laugh. He had a quiet strength. I accidentally misgendered him once, and I felt SO bad, but he was SO cool about it. (If you read this, dude, just know I still feel bad, and I'm so grateful for your understanding!) Making friends with Adrian was a new experience for me - I'd never met anyone trans before - and I'm so grateful we met! My husband and I even got to go to his wedding a few weeks after I left the bin. A very cool guy.
Were you hoping I'd be telling you stories of people who talked to themselves in imaginary languages or wore their underwear outside their straight jackets? Sorry. Everyone there was just like me - someone who needed a little help to get back on their feet, but who was otherwise normal. ECT has stolen the memories of nearly everyone else from my mind, but I assure you: they were all normal. Perhaps next I'll tell you the story of how little old normal me ended up there in the first place. Thank you for your patience!
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