July 10, 2012

Worsening Social Anxiety

                In order to pay for my cocaine addiction college education, I work at a ranch during the summers taking guests out on horseback rides.  It. Sucks.  OK, it is the best summer job you could ask for, but my social anxiety is getting to the point where talking to different groups of strangers at two hour intervals all day every day is completely. Exhausting.  I’m constantly worrying that I’ve said something stupid or offensive or unintelligible or boring or any number of other adjectives that shouldn’t be used to describe tour guides.  And when I’m not with guests, I’m worried that my coworkers hate me and only put up with me because they don’t have the authority to fire me.  And when I’m not doing that, I’m…  Oh wait.  Yeah, I’m pretty much consistently worrying about one of those things.  So when I get home at night, all I want to do is hide in my bedroom.  But my family wants to spend time with me.  So I either find myself hiding from them and feeling guilty or spending time with them and wishing I were hiding from them and feeling guilty.  Insert the comma wherever it makes sense to you- I’m sure it applies.  And you know your social anxiety is getting worse when you get home from work and find yourself hoping your horse won’t walk up to the fence hoping to be petted.  That happened today.

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Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.