February 29, 2012

March 1- Self-Injury Awareness Day

On the eve of Self-Injury Awareness Day, I'd like to share something a couple of friends helped me have the strength to do the other night when all I really wanted to do was hurt myself.  If you have trouble with Self-Injury and are triggered by others' scars, please don't look. 

Instead of hurting myself, I wrote words of encouragement on my arm.  So I wouldn't even be tempted.  These are things my friends are helping me to believe:
"It will be ok again."
"Somebody loves you."
"Be kind."

"WWAD?" It's an inside sort of thing.  But you can replace the 'A' with anyone who makes you want to be better.
"You don't have to hurt yourself."

This last one is perhaps the most important- "God gave you friends to help."

Even when I feel like there isn't anyone here who understands, I know I have God, and I know He sends people into my life to help with these difficult times.  And for that I am grateful.  He has recently sent me some incredible friends I don't think I could do without.  

So to all of you, happy Self-Injury Awareness Day!  Wear orange.  Tell a friend.  Send a link to a website.  Post an orange ribbon on your facebook.  Do whatever you can.  Whether you suffer from Self-Injury yourself or are just a kind human being, spread the word.  Spread the word that we are not freaks.  We just deal with our pain in a different way.  And we're working on it.

February 28, 2012

A Visit from a Unicorn

About a month ago I managed to crawl to the sunny end of the tunnel I spoke of before.  Unfortunately, there were prison bars over the exit.  Not really much of an exit.  The sun didn't even have the decency to shine on the bars.  It's nice to breathe fresh air again, but not where I want to end up.  I may spend the next seventeen years using my nail file to saw through the bars and find my way out.  Or I may have to climb all the way back through the tunnel and come out right back where I started.  Which poses a question: Why did I ever start down the *expletive* tunnel anyways???  I suspect it was some sort of Alice falling into the rabbit hole thing only far less pleasant.  Yes, less pleasant that the Queen of Hearts ordering her minions to chop your head off.  Less pleasant than an acid induced nightmare. 

And so I've been lying at the end of the tunnel, panting in exhaustion for almost a month trying to decide what to do.  But here's the good thing about yesterday.  Yesterday, one of my friends came to visit from the other side of the bars, and she led a unicorn over for me to pet.  So though I didn't get to ride it, I got to pet a unicorn for awhile.  Then before it walked away my friend hugged me, squeezed my hand, and told me she was there for me.  And it made the awfulness of the prison bars at the end of the tunnel a little less awful. 

McDonald's Kills Babies. Or rather, it DOESN'T ANYMORE!!!

Right now I'm too depressed to write about anything depressing, so I'm going to write about McDonald's.  Which isn't depressing at all unless you're a vegetarian.  Or just had the experience I had.

I went to McDonald's to buy myself a Happy Meal today and two horrible things happened.  I can't decide which was more horrible, so I will list them in chronological order, not order of horror. 

First, when I said I wanted a chicken nugget Happy Meal, the dude was like, for a boy?  And I was like, no it's for me and I'm a girl and I don't want your stupid build a bear I WANT A STAR WARS TOY!!!!!!  I am incredibly depressed that only little boys are being offered the Star Wars toys.  What kind of a world are we living in where they feel like they have to offer a "girl" toy when the other option is the awesomeness that is Star Wars.  Whatever kind of world it is, I'm not sure I want to be living here.  In MY world, all the little girls can have all the Star Wars toys they want.

Second, THEY REPLACED HALF MY FRIES WITH APPLE SLICES!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, I am yelling that.  In fury.  If I wanted to feed my hypothetical children a healthy meal, I would NOT be taking them to McDonald's.  Clearly, my intention is to feed them something so far from healthy it will clog their arteries by age 8.  THAT'S WHY I CAME TO MCDONALD'S, NOT MCHEALTHFOOD WORLD!!!  And since I don't actually have any children, hypothetical or otherwise, the actual meaning of this is that all I got to eat was seven french fries and I had to throw away a perfectly good bag of apple slices which I'm sure could have been better used somewhere else.  McDonald's, what. the. *insertyourfavoriteswearwordhere*. are you trying to do to me?????? 

Don't even get me started about how the chocolate milk was nonfat.

February 22, 2012

Picking Up the Pieces

                Last semester was hell.  Breathing was hard.  Living was impossible.  I existed.  I hope I never have to go back to that place.  I’m sure I will someday.  Right now, I’m trying to put myself back together.  Much easier said than done.  Especially when you get hit by a freight train of anger and pain on its way to a fresh hell.  And you can’t help but hop on for a ride.
                I am empathetic.  Almost supernaturally so.  .  It’s definitely not something I would ever use on purpose or wish on myself.  But it happens.  I can often feel what’s going on in a room, especially with those I’m close to.  When I’m “healthy,” it’s a gift.  When I’m not, it nearly suffocates me.  It can be so painful.  Last semester my brain decided I couldn’t handle any more than I was already feeling and just turned the empathy off.  I didn’t have to feel anything but what I was feeling.  In fact, I almost forgot what it was like to feel everything.  I wish I could say it was nice, but I was so deep in my own personal hell that it wasn’t even a relief. 
                As I’ve started to come back from hell, I’ve started to feel bad about not having been there for other people.  That is illogical.  There was nothing for me to give, no way for me to contribute through sensing their emotions.  Nevertheless, that is how I feel.  But now I am feeling better and wanting to do more.  Last week as I was driving to see a friend, my empathy came back in a wave.  Suddenly I remembered how I can relate to other people and feel what they are feeling.  It was moderately terrifying.  But it was good because it meant I was coming back to life.  Defrosting, if you will.
                Then my parents came to visit.  I love them.  And they have the ability to hurt me more deeply than anyone else.  Ostensibly, they were here to meet my new niece.  They were in reality too preoccupied with their own selfish issues to enjoy the precious gift God has sent our family.  The pain and anger and hatred they ceaselessly flung at one another struck me like a wrecking ball without even having to get between them.  Hell, I was upstairs while they were downstairs and I could feel it.  And it only festered and got worse as the weekend progressed.  It was so strong at one point, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks even though I had no idea what was going on.  Did I mention that at this point in my life, I am still barely pulling myself back together?
                My heart couldn’t decide what the appropriate response was.  It alternately felt everything to the point of breaking and shut it all off to the point of total numbness.  Such intense swings are hard to follow.  Hard to stomach.  It’s like emotional motion sickness.  STOP SWINGING JUST CHOOSE!  While my heart didn’t want to be numb, it couldn’t handle the pain either.  My head intervened by giving me a migraine.  And reminding me of all the other things I needed to worry about.  Life stopped.  Again.  Just like last semester. 
                But only briefly.  The parents are now gone.  The echo of their pain is fading.  I can still feel the wound that was inflicted.  It is a deep gash in my innermost self.  It hurts.  A lot.  Sometimes it starts to fade –I didn’t think about it for a whole hour tonight- but then I bump it and re-open the sore.  They are gone, but I am left here, trying to pick up the pieces. 
Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.