February 5, 2014

Drowning and Depression

            Last semester was a rough one.  I ended up having to drop all my classes and sit on the couch clinging on to my sanity for dear life.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know why this sometimes happens to me.  Sometimes I just get wildly depressed for no reason, even though I’m still taking my meds.  Even though nothing has changed.  So I met with my therapist and my doctor a hundred thousand times.  And things got better.  A medication overhaul usually does that, but it usually takes at least a thousand years to get it right.  And so I made it.  I lived through the worst of it.
            But now is now, and now is different.  I am feeling vastly better, but I am definitely not all the way back to ok yet.  I really need to finish school for financial and sanity related reasons.  So I’m enrolled in 8 credits right now.  Last summer, I took 17.5 credits AND explored Israel, Turkey, and Jordan all at the same time.  But now is now.  I go to school three days a week for four hours each day, and I diligently do my homework.  That’s all.  That’s all I do.  And it’s All. I. Can. Do.  This is where the drowning part comes in.  I feel like I’m drowning in 8 credits.  I can barely do the work and go to the classes.  I am exhausted by the end of each day, including my days off.  It’s all I can do to keep my head above the water. 
And outside of school, I have loves.  I have two horses who need exercise and who I love dearly.  I have two nieces who need playtime and who I love fiercely.  I have friends and family in the area who just need face time and who I love sincerely.  And I have a wonderful boyfriend who is trying so hard and being so accommodating and kind and patient and who I love deeply.  But 8 credits is All. I. Can. Do.  All of the other things in my life are falling by the wayside completely neglected.  And I am drowning in the guilt.  The 8-credit-drowning wouldn’t be so bad if the storm of guilt didn’t keep sweeping in and dragging me under.  Sometimes I allow my mind to wander for just a moment to one of the things I’m neglecting and I slip under the surface and come up spluttering and gasping and screaming in my head because I know I can’t do it all.  I know I’ll slip back under the surface of the dark depression if I do too much.  The other day I went shoe shopping for an hour AND grocery shopping for an hour on one of my days off and it was almost more than I could do to drag myself to campus the next day.  I spent the whole weekend in bed recuperating.  And I feel pathetic.  I feel like a complete failure.  I feel like a disappointment.  And I don’t know what to do about it other than keep swimming.
Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.