Depression and I are trying to strike a balance. I can’t go all out and get things done like I want to. But depression can’t hold me down in the gutter like it wants to either. Because I won’t let it. Depression doesn’t want me to get out of bed. I want to get out of bed and then go to class and then go shopping and then go to a party. We compromised. I made it to class. Depression doesn’t want me to communicate with my best friends. I want to skype with them for hours. We compromised. I sent some of them short facebook messages. Depression doesn’t want me to do any homework. I want to do the homework that has to be turned in and the optional readings and study extra. We compromised. I did the homework that had to be turned in.
See, I’m learning that sometimes my “best” is less than I want it to be, but that doesn’t make it any less of a gigantic effort. And it doesn’t make it any less acceptable. So I’m trying to re-work my life. Re-work my expectations. Re-work… the way I work. Am I giving in? I don’t know. But I know I’m not giving up.