June 23, 2013

Panicking about panic...

                Yesterday I had the worst panic attack I've ever had.  Nothing in particular triggered it.  In fact, it started while I was in the Garden of Gethsemane* having some quiet time with a good friend.  My chest got so tight I could hardly breathe.  I've never had a panic attack even remotely that bad before, and I've had some doozies.  It was terrifying.  Luckily, I had Xanax, but still.  I only take Xanax in emergencies, so I put off taking it until it was pretty bad.  It took at least half an hour before I could breathe normally again.  And half an hour is a long time to wait to be able to breathe again.  

                So this morning when I went to have breakfast in the cafeteria, everything was hilarious.  Because like I said, I don't really take Xanax.  So my friends sat around helplessly while I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair.  It was so much better than not being able to breathe, but still very disconcerting.  

                All day today, my chest would start to get a little tight, and I'd start to panic.  Luckily I have good friends who kept checking up on me throughout the day and talked me down when I felt horrible.  I took a nap before dinner because my body was still feeling really off, and when I woke up, I was so depressed I could hardly head upstairs to eat. I picked at my food and didn't participate in conversations.  After dinner, I tried to curl up in my bed, but I started to freak out again.  Luckily my friend came and found me and took care of me.  I'm really grateful for her.  And I'm aware this post is disjointed and poorly written, but I just had to get it out of my head and onto the page. 
*I am studying abroad in Jerusalem this summer.  SO AWESOME.

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