Last semester was a rough one. I ended up having to drop all my classes and sit on the couch clinging on to my sanity for dear life. I don’t know why. I don’t know why this sometimes happens to me. Sometimes I just get wildly depressed for no reason, even though I’m still taking my meds. Even though nothing has changed. So I met with my therapist and my doctor a hundred thousand times. And things got better. A medication overhaul usually does that, but it usually takes at least a thousand years to get it right. And so I made it. I lived through the worst of it.
But now is now, and now is different. I am feeling vastly better, but I am definitely not all the way back to ok yet. I really need to finish school for financial and sanity related reasons. So I’m enrolled in 8 credits right now. Last summer, I took 17.5 credits AND explored Israel, Turkey, and Jordan all at the same time. But now is now. I go to school three days a week for four hours each day, and I diligently do my homework. That’s all. That’s all I do. And it’s All. I. Can. Do. This is where the drowning part comes in. I feel like I’m drowning in 8 credits. I can barely do the work and go to the classes. I am exhausted by the end of each day, including my days off. It’s all I can do to keep my head above the water.
And outside of school, I have loves. I have two horses who need exercise and who I love dearly. I have two nieces who need playtime and who I love fiercely. I have friends and family in the area who just need face time and who I love sincerely. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who is trying so hard and being so accommodating and kind and patient and who I love deeply. But 8 credits is All. I. Can. Do. All of the other things in my life are falling by the wayside completely neglected. And I am drowning in the guilt. The 8-credit-drowning wouldn’t be so bad if the storm of guilt didn’t keep sweeping in and dragging me under. Sometimes I allow my mind to wander for just a moment to one of the things I’m neglecting and I slip under the surface and come up spluttering and gasping and screaming in my head because I know I can’t do it all. I know I’ll slip back under the surface of the dark depression if I do too much. The other day I went shoe shopping for an hour AND grocery shopping for an hour on one of my days off and it was almost more than I could do to drag myself to campus the next day. I spent the whole weekend in bed recuperating. And I feel pathetic. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like a disappointment. And I don’t know what to do about it other than keep swimming.