September 13, 2012

My Lying Mind- Learning it's the Depression Talking

I’m so tired.  Like my brain and soul are tired.  Like blinking makes me sad because I don’t know if I have it in me to re-open my eyes.  Though it’s Thursday, I have been completely unable to recover from last weekend (death, fire, bears…  I’ll fill you in sometime).  And my mind keeps helpfully telling me a lot of things about myself.  It keeps telling me I’ll fail at school.  It keeps telling me I’m worthless.  It keeps telling me how much everyone hates me.  It keeps telling me I’m about to have a panic attack at any second.  It keeps telling me how socially inept I am.  It keeps telling me I’ll never become the things I want to be.  It keeps telling me there’s something seriously wrong with me.  It keeps telling me I have no right to smile.  It keeps telling me lies.  And I’m learning to recognize them as lies.  I still don’t like hearing them.  And I’m still tired.  I’m almost too tired to fight my mind.  But if I whisper back, “You’re wrong” when it tells me those lies, maybe someday I’ll believe myself.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to shout it.  Maybe someday I won’t even have to say it anymore because my mind will stop lying to me.  For now, though, I’ll just keep whispering like I believe.

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Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.