September 18, 2012

Suicide Hurts.

Yesterday after a long and difficult battle with addiction, my cousin ended his life.  Everything feels broken today.  Now I know what people mean when they say they feel like the world shouldn’t still be turning.  It just feels… wrong, somehow.  He must have been hurting so bad.
Is it bad that I’m relieved it wasn’t me?  Because there have been times when it almost could have been me.  Is it wrong that I’m almost grateful to know this pain?  Because knowing this pain gives me perspective.  This is the pain of those who are left behind.  I intend to remember it well and draw upon it when (not if) I go back to that dark place where suicide seems like a viable option.  This is a lot of pain. 
RIP Phil.  I understand.  And I miss you.


  1. My cousin killed himself when I was 10. Almost 20 years later, I remember the hurt. It keeps me around when things get bad, too. Very sorry for your loss. The pain gets better, but you'll never forget.

  2. I'm grateful to know the pain gets better. Because sometimes it feels like it's going to squash me. I'm so sorry about your cousin. But I'm glad it's kept you around!

  3. I'm so sorry. RIP Phil. Please try and take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you. I'm doing surprisingly alright.

  4. Ashleigh,

    It is no way "wrong" to feel that way. Nine years ago my Dad took his life. I never thought I would lose somebody to suicide in my family after my great uncle did 24 years ago....and really not my Dad. He helped my Grandpa clean up the mess from my uncle took his own life. I know the pain gashed my Dad to the his letter he told my Mom "at least I did it outside." It did not, however, stop him...and in that I find the greatest sadness. How much was my old man hurting? Why didn't I see it? Could I have done something different? All questions that I struggle with...all thoughts that bring me to my knees and to a very dark place. I guess what I am trying to say is...hold on to that perspective...remember the pain and anguish it caused you and your family. Phil could not see out of that have increased perspective. I don't know you...but I know how you feel...I have lost two people I loved very much to depression and suicide....please reach out to me whenever. I hope you are hanging in there.

  5. Thank you so much for your response! I so greatly appreciate feedback from people. I am SO sorry for your losses. Depression is such a terrible thing. My cousin died a little over a year ago. I visited his grave on the anniversary, sat by the headstone, and had a good cry. The pain doesn't go away. I am very lucky to have a good therapist and a decent support system. Thank you for offering to allow me to reach out to you. I will keep that in mind. Also, I would like to make the same offer. If you ever need me, I'm here!


Thank you for coming. I hope you get something out of this. I hope you learn about yourself. I hope you get help if you need it or give it if you can.